Why I’m not listening. And nor should you.

Would you buy a cookbook from someone who hadn’t been near a kitchen in anger for decades? Or learn to drive from an instructor who last saw a car when they had someone walking in front with a red flag?

How about someone teaching you to shoot, who only had a track record in making bullets? Or have your house built by a plumber?

How about a mountain guide that had never been outside of Holland?

I’m sounding ridiculous, right?

When you’re looking for advice, when you’re looking for someone to help, when you’re looking for a friendly hand to guide, when you want expertise…..when you NEED expertise. Then, you want someone who has been there, taken the blows, dodged the bullets and made it out the other end. You want someone who, themselves, has done the hard miles.

So why in the world of work do we take advice from people who have come no closer to running a business than I have to running a marathon? I could tell you how to run after a bus…but that would be the limit of my experience. And you’d be foolish to listen to me on anything further.

On a daily basis, I hear lawyers telling me how to run a business. Now anyone who has ever provided HR support for a legal department will tell you that lawyers are amongst the worse people managers since Attila the Hun hung up his axe. They are great at providing legal advice, but after that….not so much.

And how about the consultants that have “worked” in HR. The ones that when you check their Linkedin profiles haven’t actually been in any organisation of any size since Margaret Thatcher was in power.

Or they just had a sucky job in a sucky company.

I don’t want to beat up on consultants, or lawyers, or anyone. Well maybe a few people, but I’m going to shelve that now and focus on my professional persona.

For the best part of 20 years, I’ve been slogging my butt in to organisations and trying to make them a better place to be for the people who work there. From the CEO to the cleaner. For everyone. And I do it because I honestly believe it makes the world of work a better place.

So I completely resent being told how to do my job better, by people who have no idea of the realities of an organization, of my daily life, of business in the 21st century.

I don’t mind thoughts, I don’t mind suggestions, I don’t mind specific points of knowledge. I am not against collaborative working. That is all good.

I’m an HR Director, I have skills, I have experience, I have knowledge, I have expertise. Every day I hone these as I work to do the right thing for my company and my employees. I bring something to the party.

And if you work in HR, so do you.

So next time someone is telling you that you should be doing this, that or the other. Ask them….when did you do that? When was the last time that you succeeded in deploying that in an organisation? What was the result?

What experience do you have that can complement MY experience?

And if they can’t answer that question to your satisfaction, then show them the door. They add no value.

And I tell you now, I won’t be listening to them. And nor should you.

Beware the digital hippies

Is it me, or is there a new pervasive force on Twitter? In a space previously held by the gutter rats of business, the recruitment consultants, a darker army has been quietly amassing their powers.

I’m of course talking about the digital hippies.

You may know them, you may not yet recognise them, but here are ten reasons you need to be aware.

1)    They don’t create wealth – These guys mock the corporate employees. They talk about their experiences of quitting corporate life. But in the end, the vast majority don’t employ people, they don’t create wealth for other people, they are merely self-serving, lone wolves who seek purpose and identity by trying to form an online collective.

2)    They don’t understand empirical evidence – I’m not against a bit of instinct, I’m not against a bit of intuition. We have more information available to us than at any time in the history of mankind. But why trouble yourself with that, when you can spout complete unproven nonsense on a regular basis without any grounding. Peace and love man. Yeah…..whatever.

3)    They spend a disproportionate time on Twitter – I like to tweet, I like Twitter but if I look at it at any point in the day, these guys are on there. Get a life. Get a job. Get a hobby. Get off my Timeline and take a walk.

4)    They make a mockery of HR – So most of these guys are sole traders – or as you and I would know them, consultants. But they don’t call themselves consultants, because that sounds too…..well corporate. Instead they call themselves coaches, or business owners, connectors or perhaps my favourite, CEOs. They don’t talk about 80% of the work that we do in HR, they don’t talk about industrial relations or employment relations. They have no idea. They think they’re talking about HR, but their only audience are the navels they’re gazing into.

5)    They disrespect the honest working person – Most of us work because we need money. Most people HAVE to work because they need money. Most of us are absolutely ok with that. Talk of fulfilment, engagement, passion, vocation….these are things that the vast majority have no time for. Not because, they’re not brave enough, but because they have no economic choice. You’re not the vanguard, you’re the indulgent.

6)    They quote – For the love of Buddha. No more quotes. No more quotes. Yes Martin Luther King Jr was amazing, yes the Dalai Lama is a dude. But I don’t need you to tell me something that you’ve just looked up on findmeaninspirationalquote.com. I really don’t.

7)    They create pointless “communities” – Remember when you were a kid and you had gangs? Not the sort that wear their trousers low and stab you. I’m talking about the kind with passwords and “bases”. These guys have hashtags and tweet ups that are about as sophisticated and as meaningless. The thing is, they’re adults. Not kids. Which makes it kinda creepy.

8)    They place “connection” over “content” – Discernment doesn’t come easy to these guys. You look like me, you sound like me we’re all good. You write the biggest piece of twaddle ever on your blog and I will comment and retweet. Why? Because I want you to do the same. Effluent is effluent regardless of how many times it multiplies.

9)    They place nothing in context – FX crisis? Economic downturn? Political turmoil? How does that impact on us? I mean, we’re above of all of that….we’ve risen to a new emotional and intellectual plane where these things don’t matter. We’re creating a new agenda, a new way of thinking, we’re…….living in a bubble…..and talking out of your behinds…..that’s what.

10) They have a dreadful dress sense and bad breath – OK….so I made that one up. But I bet they do, I mean…..it would stand to reason, right?

Just beware……and don’t say I didn’t warn you……